today i am sitting…and counting. counting and taking stock in the years that have passed. looking hard to remember those books of revelation i’ve discovered along the way.
the epiphanies are in there, woven and in between life’s real day-to-day living. i’m at risk of missing them- unless i stop and notice.
so, today i want to notice and choose to see more of God. because i’m desperate for it. i’m desperate to believe there is something deeper and bigger going on…that i can’t see in plain view. and that amidst my confusion and tripping around…He is up to a holy purpose.
here i sit, another year beginning. all the unwritten hours and days stretched out ahead and i wonder how it is that i can begin to see with more holy eyes. eyes that look hard to unearth that purpose and to understand more of how pain and joy can grow together into beauty.
to see how love and loss live tangled together, permanently entwined…giving birth to abundance.
and under those deeper and bigger purposes…can it be that the taking apart brought on by our pain and struggling be a necessary stage in the soul’s growth process? could God have a more sacred provision in mind for us than just a neat, happy life ? a life we can get our arms around .
it seems so. and as much as i don’t like the sound of it, i know it to be true. undoing always precedes wholeness. the cracking open is critical, lest we fall fruitless and stagnant by the roadside.
“for a seed to achieve it’s greatest expression, it must come completely undone. the shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes. to someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” -Chynthia Occelli
that glorious in-between where we must wrestle our way through life’s days and come away with a foothold of sorts. something that can carry us a good ways down the road… a belief that our un-doing doesn’t beget our death.
but instead- Life. He means it to bring about the truest Life.
and as the cracking open is going on around us, awareness becomes so acute. because suddenly, there is an odd freedom in being shattered. it’s the freedom from fear of being shattered. hmmm. here we are , in pieces. undone. cracked open. yet not destroyed after all.
God hadn’t meant to ruin us after all. only grow us. sanctify us. rearrange us. spill us out to make room for Himself. all of which require some wrecking on the front end. and busting some walls down.
Father, don’t let us miss it. don’t let me miss it. that Your purposes in the disappointments , afflictions, failures and discomforts are for good in our lives. because they lead us to new paths and to deep surrender. and to places where we see You the most clearly and need You most desperately.
simple enough , but risky. i do want those holy eyes, but at this price ? isn’t there an easier way ?
i much prefer short-cuts and guarantees. but none of that requires a radical dependence on God, and isn’t that what i’m really after? an intimate, deep, abiding walk with Father, Son and Spirit. it’s His greatest desire for us. for me. every purpose. every promise is an invitation for more of God.
every crux, every crossroad can lead me to Jesus…if i let it.
life cracked open and undone spills the mess, but the invitation lies in the mess. the muddled mess of ugly and beautiful tangled together. life can’t be sorted into neat categories of good/bad and either/or. instead, its always both/and.
and Jesus lives smack in the middle of this divine tension.inviting me and you to offer our raw selves. to be open to His spilling us and growing us. and to our choosing to risk trusting Him over and over with our most fragile parts.
and so it is, that in this tension, it happens. my eyes catch a glimpse of holiness… twisted and tangled between fear and hope, and growing together with disaster and safety. and i see it and know that somewhere between and in-between it all lies a divine life.
an abundant life.
one filled with grit, and risk, and glory, and mess , and shattering , and freedom. all of which are good for my soul and ordained as beautiful and necessary. because amidst it all…i become transformed. we become transformed.
into something new. and isn’t God always about making new ? and changing the way we see all of this life ? taking what we once perceived as loss and producing fertile soil- a different posture of our soul. one that can yield abundance.
because the cracking open has let God in.
His unraveling of us has unwound the spell of living for guarantees . our movements feel awkward and nothing is safe anymore…but suddenly anything is possible. my eyes squint and strain, but are beginning to see. holiness everywhere.
Jesus, meet me in the days and months ahead. amidst the messes and glory and remind me to look up… to see holy and to trust You in the unseen. to give thanks for it all because i don’t want to miss the abundance You offer , even if it looks altogether different than what i expected. yours in discovering the divine life, xxoo jamie