so i’ve been losing my grip a lot lately. no, for real, losing my grip. dropping things. and i’m constantly being struck by this weird and blatant reality…that unless we hold on, stuff falls to the ground. or just falls apart.
i mostly drop things because i’m not really paying attention, but i have to admit, my hands are getting weaker with age. i feel clumsy and annoyed. and i’m keenly aware of the downward pull of gravity. and the downward pull of decay and disorganization. like the laws of physics that indicate our universe is moving toward disorder…i am reminded this world is not quite how God intended it.
yep, it’s that darn curse. the curse of toil and hardship despite our best efforts to keep chaos at bay. like our untended yard after a month of being away…chaos. weeds. moss. bugs. debris…everywhere. even in the inhospitable places, stuff manages to grow and take over. in the absence of our tending , disarray isn’t far behind. ugh. the work is never done.
i grow so weary of the constant upkeep and that downward pull . the weight of living on this side of heaven, where the stuff of life falls apart and runs aground. it’s not meant to last or provide true satisfaction…i know that deep down. but somehow my soul still wants life on easy street. heaven now. sounds ridiculous but that’s ultimately what my heart wants. no more breaking. no more falling apart. no more growing old. no more dust or weeds or cobwebs. no more decay. no more chaos.
still…i know that underneath all of my unholy protest, is a holy longing. a longing for life as it was meant to be. beautiful. splendid. complete. restored and eternal. if i stop and let myself be aware of my inner battle and the source of my wrestling, somehow it does help. and moves my heart from cynicism to softness . mostly because i give myself permission to ache and to fully know what my ache is for.
it is for life with God. a satisfied, whole and eternal Life.
though an easy, tidy and comfortable life certainly appeals some of the time…i know that my soul will be left wanting. even on the best, most perfect of days…fulfillment is fleeting.
so i choose to sit in the ache and dust…and let the chaos remind me of my truest longing. to taste more of God. to see Him everywhere. to be intimately aware of His presence. to be filled up with Him. and to let go of my grip on this life and live with a reckless pursuit of things eternal. knowing i am caught between the now… and the not yet .
Jesus, meet me in that glorious tension as i wrestle and toil. Let me see glimpses of holiness and redemption even in the chaos and decay of this life. and when beauty and joy feel choked out remind me to dig and press in…to find You beneath the layers.