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it’s been one of those months.

the kind when everything breaks.  and my body gives way to sickness.                                 my feeble humanity feels exposed and trapped by a broken-down body and world.

i so wish i had a stronger immunity of the heart and spirit.  and i hate my propensity to lose heart when life comes unraveled.  but i mostly feel just helpless. i see how weak and dependent i am when all is stripped away.

i am utterly in need of God.

to be honest, i don’t really like it here…in this place of raw dependence.  it’s downright counter-intuitive.

in fact, i’ve spent a great many of my life’s years trying  not to be too needy or for that matter…not to be too anything.  to not be one of “those” people.  and to not risk trusting or looking the fool for hoping that life had beauty and goodness in store.

always keeping my expectations low and my heart guarded certainly saved me from disappointment…but cost me true aliveness.  and even my best efforts to insulate and protect eventually hit a dead end.

so little by little, God has made me brave and i see more clearly that vulnerability is a gift not a curse.  and my defenseless state is a holy reminder that God wired me to need Him. as my friend and counselor, Debbie Miller puts it, “there is a God-designed part of humanity that is weak, emotional and vulnerable…but somehow, beautifully equips us to connect to God.”

and so, hiding under the covers might feel safe for awhile, but eventually the flatness grows stale.  God is kept at a distance.  and life passes us by.  then we are left with the choice.

to embrace our vulnerability and risk being needy……or stay safe, keeping hope at arms length.  never wanting but never disappointed.

choosing means wrestling.  and truthfully i might always fight against my flesh.  and wrestle…

with trusting God in the uncertainties of this life.                                                                     with the idea of letting go of self-protection and living with abandon instead.                            with embracing a life filled with possibilities of joy and fullness while at the same time opening myself up to hurt, rejection and disappointment.

and so God let’s me wrestle.  knowing it is a holy struggle, a human struggle. to bring my weak, exposed and anxiety prone humanity to bare against an unmovable and unchangeable God.

a God who’s love for us is unfathomable and indestructable .  it is complete.  and covers even our most desperate attempts to spare ourselves from pain.     He also knows the struggle is necessary for us to come to the end of our own strength. and for our skewed mind and methods to fall and be shattered.

then neediness and receiving become our only hope… and we can finally let ourselves embrace the beauty of our frail , dependent state.

because that is where we meet God.

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