every now and then i wake up and wish i were different. i wish i was the kind of person who was likeable and pleasing. who played the game of life by the rules and got it “right” instead of wrong most of the time.
today i feel left behind. i feel the weight of being me and not exactly fitting in. and i wish i was different… on days like this it seems like life would be simple and less heavy if i could please my way through relationships and expectations. people like that are always welcome and invited in…even if it’s because they are agreeable and accommodating . something i’ve never been. so today it haunts me…my lack and shortcomings are running me down.
it’s Sunday…so i take my weary self off to church. and the sermon is on “goodness”. the title smacks me upside the head and i grin at the way God comes right down to speak to my restless heart. the pastor poses the questions
how good is good enough ?
is my spiritual journey about being liked ? about being noticed for my good works ?
does God want me to please Him somehow ?
ouch. the very questions that had left me hanging and still plagued me. and it hits me that believing we can somehow measure up can steal a lifetime. steal hours . days. years of trying to be good.
and good enough to somehow please God.
we learn to hate our lack and neediness. we stuff and adapt trying to make ourselves into a more pleasing and acceptable version of who we are. all the while missing the point of the Gospel.
i was missing the point.
i was forgetting that popularity is not the measure of my worth to God. that His ways are NOT my ways. and that He never asks or requires a cleaned up or more pleasing version of me to get it “right”. reminding me that
can add to my goodness. so i take a big, deep sigh and the gratefulness sinks into the core of my soul.
we don’t love and serve a God who banks on formulas, tit for tat, or a song and dance routine. He is not impressed. even if sometimes it feels easier to believe we must perform for approval and love. we desperately want our efforts to matter….and He says lay them down.
lay down your striving.
lay down your reputation.
lay down getting it right.
lay down being noticed.
lay down what you hang your hat on.
come empty to the cross and recognize your poverty. then…He reaches down to bestow .
bestow His worthiness onto us. onto me. again and again. He fills every empty space with Himself. with a Goodness that can’t be earned or destroyed. this is the worth our souls crave. this is the Gospel and it is enough.
Father bring me to the place of my poverty each day. replace it with a knowing that i am desperate for You in every way. You offer a goodness that nothing else compares to and remind me it is beautiful and enough.