refusing

010something deep inside my soul has withstood the assault.

the lies.  the “shoulds”.  the plea to conform and get with the program.

i’ve heard that message almost my entire life and i still somehow believed that being different was ok and good.  and that belief made me stronger, even resilient .  I don’t fully understand it and can’t explain it’s beginning, this strength of spirit.  but God has deposited it in my bones, this need to live outside the box and see things from a unique perspective. oddly , i find more comfort there.

on the “personality scale” i score in that quirky bottom 10% type…but i could have told you that without taking the test 🙂   so basically I am a mystery to 90% of the other humans on the planet which sounds about right.  i run a very high risk of being misunderstood and it is a lonely place at times.

and so…after a lifetime, i have made peace with the voices in my head and tendency to not conform.   and i find myself pondering what purpose God might have had in mind when He wove such boldness and curiosity and hunger for beauty into my soul.

dare i use my voice?

dare i offer my heart vulnerably ?

dare i begin to begin…

to make any sense or have clarity of thought enough to let another soul in on my illusive journey to understand and honestly wrestle with the  brokenness and beauty of this life?  or to ask honest questions …and give honest answers. and  to keep refusing to quit .

refuse to quit seeing

refuse to quit looking

refuse to quit hoping to find glory in the mess and poetry in the ordinary. and to let those holy moments have their beauty due…perfect in their imperfection.  and in the finding,i long to begin to see that all loveliness is an expression of the Father’s heart.  loveliness sometimes forged by anguish

and offering.

and dying.

and surrender.

not pretty words for those who want a neatly arranged life.  not the kind of lovely we signed up for when we began our spiritual walk with Christ. but it’s the truest and most beautiful mark of His followers…to bear a deeper kind of loveliness than can be merely seen with the eyes. to see the holiest kind of lovely, we need eyes that see the soul of another and be willing to wade through mess and affliction and doubt to understand it. but it is there if we look hard.  He is there.

so, here i am setting out on a journey of looking and finding. and i know it is my bravest offering.  an offering that will require all of my faith and courage.  it will cost me and save me at the same time because that is how things work in God’s economy. truest life always is birthed from a death. and there is most certainly some pain in the offering.  so here goes.

Dare i be willing to speak about such things?

Dare i be bold enough to pull the string that might unravel order?

Dare i be brave enough to be misunderstood?

Dare i be hopeful enough to believe my words matter?

it will cost me nothing and everything

if i refuse to dare at least trying.

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3 Responses to refusing

  1. Virginia Wear says:

    What a beautiful invitation to your soul’s stirrings and a precious glimpse into your journey. Thank you for sharing. I can’t wait to ready more!

  2. Lisab says:

    May you leap in every way into the arms of the beloved, my sister. Celebrating the lunch.

  3. jamjobryan says:

    Reblogged this on finding life beautiful and commented:

    so, here is a re-post of my very first blog entry. i am so very grateful and crazy blessed by those who have taken the time to read and ponder along with me. daring to offer and speak about the stirrings of my soul has been the most freeing and faith filled journey . but most importantly, i have learned that walking on the edge of cliff is much harder than just jumping !!

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