holding my hands open has never come easy to me.
or naturally either.
i’ve been suspicious as long as i can remember and i often find myself holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
i don’t fully understand how i got so jaded. but here i am.
i wrestle with trust. i wrestle with letting go. i wrestle with all my parts being held with care and mattering to God.
and honestly i spend so much time wrestling, that i miss the simplicity of the gospel sometimes.
to live a whole and integrated life is the invitation of the gospel…yes, i want that,
but i can get so stuck in my small , tight fisted reality.
in truth, the gospel of Jesus is this simple… He was broken so that we can be fully restored and whole, REALLY WHOLE. our part is to live with hands open and heart surrendered.
and our radical God gives us the choice. i have a choice whether or not to fully open my hands. and it’s hard sometimes.
there is still some back and forth before the surrender happens. or maybe it just happens in layers, as if God is peeling down through the tough parts of my will to get to my vulnerable , trusting self. the self i often protect.
i know how He longs for me to show up at the foot of the cross with my open hands and disconnected heart, and let Him love me there. and do some mending. i really want to be brave. i want to believe that opening up my fragile heart won’t leave me in a ditch on the side of the road. as a hit and run.
if you’ve been reading my thoughts this past year, then you know a bit of my journey to get my heart back. to find God somewhere in the strewn out parts of me.
and to find hope again.
it’s been dark and stretching and has left me doubting if i could be put back together. my prayers are desperate and feel cold.
but the other night i had a vision.
i was asking God how He saw my heart during a healing prayer time…and He showed me a field of wildflowers.
wildflowers up to my waist. unkept and free. then, i started gathering them in the golden light of the afternoon.
crazy cool. and tears, lots of tears.
i was reminded in that moment that my human skin holds a beautifully sacred and wild heart. and that this same human skin can stir up shame and confusion too. twisting how i see my sacredness.
so it seems to me that God isn’t surprised by my wrestling or urge to self protect.
the thing is, i also believe that He longs for more for me. for us.
more freedom and more letting go.
and He wants to transform how we interpret His silence.
because this changes everything.
when our trust in God is unshakable, then the silence doesn’t mean He is absent.
and this kind of trust invites humility and risk in letting ourselves be loved just as we are.
rough around the edges.
shattered to pieces.
we never have to hide and push away our ugly parts or hustle for grace and favor.
but this is what i cling to –
His favor is already on us.
we are enough.
we are fully covered by His gospel grace , no matter WHAT. we can bring every fearful and messy part of us to the altar and let His love cover it. so that all the “pieces of us” can be bound up and tied with the sacred grave cloth of Jesus.
making a way for us to live whole. and open. and liberated.
no hiding, no faking, no running and no clenching the fist. His love allows us to look our worst and still be taken into His embrace. and the most radical thing about gospel Love is that it undoes us.
all the strategies we’ve clung to in order to make life work, fall apart.
it’s hard to understand at first, but this too is Love. and this falling apart is meant to bring us to our knees. in desperate need of Jesus.
and this Love carves out the holiest space to live true and wholehearted lives.
i don’t want to resist anymore. i’m weary of resisting. and reasoning. and doubting.
i want to risk. and be caught up.
my heart wants to be captured with this gospel Love and affection.
and i know it’s what our souls are truly made for. this free and courageous living.
so Jesus take me there. to this beautiful, spacious and wild place.
i’m letting go.
Jesus thank you for taking me by the hand into the meadow…for letting my heart have room to wrestle and run and for not giving up on me. thank you for putting together all the wild pieces of me , just so. and for covering all those pieces with extravagant mercy and grace as You hold Your hand underneath my hand, gently keeping it open. because i can’t do it by myself.
Miruna, thank you for capturing this moment in the fields of Wyoming . it treasure it.
this post is dedicated to all my fellow wildflower-hearted friends. my life is stirred up and inspired by your fierce love and friendship. xo